Why Sex and Candor Don't Mix

Published on by D. G. Hart

H. L. Mencken weighs in:

In the relations between the sexes all beauty is founded upon romance, all romance is founded upon mystery, and all mystery is founded upon ignorance, or, failing that, upon the deliberate denial of the known truth. To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anaesthesia—to mistake an ordinary young man for a Greek god or an ordinary young woman for a goddess. But how can this condition of mind survive the deadly matter-of-factness which sex hygiene and the new science of eugenics impose? How can a woman continue to believe in the honor, courage and loving tenderness of a man after she has learned, perhaps by affidavit, that his haemoglobin count is 117%, that he is free from sugar and albumen, that his blood pressure is 112/79 and that his Wassermann reaction is negative? . . . Moreover, all this new-fangled “frankness” tends to dam up, at least for civilized adults, one of the principal well-springs of art, to wit, impropriety. What is neither hidden nor forbidden is seldom very charming. If women, continuing their present tendency to its logical goal, end by going stark naked, there will be no more poets and painters, but only dermatologists and photographers. . . . (“A Loss to Romance,” Prejudices: First Series, 118-119)

102 thoughts on “Why Sex and Candor Don't Mix”

  1. Reminds me of these new “dating naked” shows cropping up on cable. What the heck is that about? Of course the naughty bits are digitally obscured. Who is watching these shows? People who are too dumb to watch Honey Boo-Boo? If you want to be depressed, flip through the entire cable lineup from lowest to highest once a day.

    If it weren’t for sports I’m at the point that I’m ready to cancel it, and may cancel it anyways.

    This is where the “I don’t have a TV” people chime in.

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  2. I don’t know if I agree with Mencken, though. Didn’t he live with his mother his whole life?

    I’ve watched my wife give birth four times and still dig her completely.

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  4. MikeInIowa :I don’t have a TV
    I’m kidding. Actually have several.
    Eric, I’m with you. I took the plunge and got rid of the cable. The prospect of losing sports delayed the decision, but with the money saved I’m able to get many of the online venues including MLBTV. I can’t take much more of ESPN’s politicizing everything, not to mention the lousy news channels as well as the moronic shows you mention.

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  5. 8 months without a TV now

    it saves on getting needlessly upset about things that aren’t my concern anyways

    have done more personally important reading in this time than maybe the prior decade combined

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  7. I hadn’t watched TV in years, then The Wire became available through Amazon Prime. Now, I’m almost done with season three.

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  10. EC, well, Mencken did outlive his mother. But while she was alive — until he was 45 — they did live together. I’m pretty sure they slept in separate rooms.

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  18. “deliberate denial of the known truth” is exactly what I would expect a heathen thinker to champion, rather than admit the known truth of God’s existence, for one thing…

    I prefer knowledge, myself. Of all things, as much as possible, which is perhaps why I went into science…

    And, contra Mencken, knowing how and why women think and act as they do, is very useful. It allows one to not be deceived therein.

    Which I think is a good thing, and cannot be otherwise, surely.

    Mystery be hanged. Let Roman Catholics, Eastern Orthodox and heathens love mysteries, if they desire; understanding is surely better. Did not Ecclesiastes encourage us to pursue wisdom? Does not Proverbs also encourage us likewise?

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  19. Will, the more you reveal the less mysterious you become. Your marital status becomes less mysterious the more you opine about women.

    Still, some mystery is left. Hang on to it. Love it.

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  20. and that his Wassermann reaction is negative?

    The Wassermann test was for syphillis. The World War II-era docs would refer to somebody as having a Wassermann score higher than his IQ.

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  21. “knowing how and why women think and act as they do, is very useful. It allows one to not be deceived therein.”

    Unmarried Will knows the hows and whys of women. Scientist Will has put them on scales, determined their chemical makeup, and charted their behavior – with Ecclesiastes as a proof text. Can’t wait to read Will’s book on the hows, whys and chemical make up of the Mona Lisa. You know, so there’s no mystery anymore.

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  22. Everyone could gain by the experience of having to live in a tent in the woods for an extended period of time. Your mind becomes much more alert through having to learn how to survive and there is no TV to dumb your reasoning capacities. Some tips and things gained for those who might have to go through the disciplining process:

    1) Get a bicycle as quickly as possible
    2) Find a place fairly close to a grocery store to pitch your ten
    3) Pine needles keep the poison ivy and poison oak vines to a minimum and they provide more cushion to sleep in- so find a space with lots of pines trees around
    4) Make sure you find a place where people or cops won’t be able to see the tent and there good accesses in and out of your area
    5) Make friends with the birds and squirrels who keep coming around your site regularly- I think they help keep undesirables away from your site
    6) Stay away from mind altering substances and alcohol while living in the woods- you need all your capacities to survive
    7) Be cordial and friendly towards the other homeless people you may come in contact with and the shelters and salvation armies in the city you are in- they will go out of their way to help you.
    8) Beware of the threat of coyotes who are running wild and like to eat peoples pets and if you leave food lying around your tent site they will smell it and check out what is available. Coyotes are clever but I found that ammonia on rags will keep them away and clanking on pots and pans will scare them away if they venture into your site at night. They are vicious and will attack if they smell fear. They will tear up a tent easily too.
    9) I have found you become much more clear in your thinking and cognitively alert when living in the woods on the land.
    10) Stay away from the homeless tent cities where drinking and drugging take place- they have a tendency to turn on each other and it becomes a survival of the most physically willing to beat the crap out of the physically weak and take all of the few valuables they may have or have stolen and loitered from others.
    11) I could go on but will stop there

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  23. Will, your thinking is a straight pencil line on a sheet of paper. Women are in 3-D with colors you can’t name. Even they don’t all their colors.

    Personally I’m agnostic when it comes to people.

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  24. Great list, John. For Erik’s sake, please tell us more about “there is no TV to dumb your reasoning capacities.”

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  25. @ DGH: I have had girlfriends; I’ve dated. I get women. Not all married men even do.

    I’m the only one at my group site Patriactionary who isn’t married; the others are. They get women, too.

    I have learned much from them, and others, in the circles we run in.

    While not oversharing especially personal information, they’re willing to discuss stuff, to lessen the mysteries, to pull back the veils.

    I thus have the advantage of their experiences to add to my own.

    @ Muddy Gravel: Why yes, I have.

    I understand little things they do, which I’ve noticed from even before I was pursuing relationships.

    Take, for instance, the lower-lip-biting vulnerability cue that females like to do, esp. if they’re a bit nervous.

    That elicits a paternal, protective response from males; it makes us want to comfort and protect them. It makes our hearts go, “Aw! Sweet little thing; I want to comfort her, let her know it’s all right, that I’m here for her.”, that kind of thing.

    Learn these little things, be aware of them, and you’ll not be emotionally manipulated, ever again.

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  26. @ Muddy Gravel:

    “Will, your thinking is a straight pencil line on a sheet of paper. Women are in 3-D with colors you can’t name. Even they don’t all their colors.”

    Pfft. They’re humans, just like us men, warts and all. They’re not special creatures; they’re normal, ordinary sinful people just like men, except they think and act differently than us.

    Learn to understand how and why they think and act as they do, and you can become a master of them. And you can learn, by applying empirical observation, same as you do with anything else.

    Don’t let drunken poets deceive you into thinking women are mysterious. They are not.

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  27. Will, a Calvinist is one who at once affirms both the sovereignty of God and the responsibility of man. If he’s being honest, he admits the utter mystery of how those two things co-exist, which arguably makes him the creature on earth the most at ease with mystery. As a man, you have a lot to learn about women, and as a Calvinist you have a lot to learn about mystery.

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  28. Learn to understand how and why they think and act as they do, and you can become a master of them. And you can learn, by applying empirical observation, same as you do with anything else.

    Will, you are to advice on women what health and wealth preachers are (or Finney was) to the gospel.

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  29. “Learn to understand how and why they think and act as they do, and you can become a master of them.”

    Muddy ain’t got enough in his stash to cure what ails you. But to balance that out reptiles can be very effective in their scaly kind of way.

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  30. You asked for it, Muddy. I meant to say, dumb-down, but I was typing fast. It is an amazing thing how alert your senses become living on the land, so to speak. And how you really don’t miss, that much, the modern convenience we come accustomed too. I swear your alertness and mental concentration levels increase significantly. Can’t really prove that but it sure seemed that way to me.

    What I missed the most was some good juicy meat meals. You eat a lot of canned chicken, tuna and a wide variety of canned beans. I acquired a taste for the Rotel canned tomatoes with hot habanero’s. Steak toco’s from local Mexicali places became a priority when you get some extra cash- they taste so good when you are hungry. When I was living on top of a six-story parking garage in downtown Savannah somebody left me an envelope with 400 dollars in it- a lot of the students from the art and design school used to make their way up to the “roof-top” loft, like I used to call it, and blow joints and socialize with their friends. I got to know them and I think it was one of them who left the envelope. The first thing I did was go get a big expensive steak at one of the fine riverside restaurants in Savannah. I thought I was in heaven, it tasted so good.

    Unfortunately, my roof-top loft got found out- even though the security guard was letting me stay there. The owner of the privately owned garage, right next to the Mellow-Mushroom pizza joint on Liberty near Bull St., finally caught wind of it and sent the cops up there to bust me. I had to spend 3 and half-weeks in the slammer waiting for my court date. They let me go with time served but when I went back to where my belongings were hid in the bushes across from parking garage all my stuff was gone. I was very pissed and I lost some books I treasured as valuable and expensive- Calvin’s 2 volume Battle translation Institutes among them. The last 2 years have been quite an adventure, to say the least. I am getting to old for this though.

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  31. That elicits a paternal, protective response from males; it makes us want to comfort and protect them. It makes our hearts go, “Aw! Sweet little thing; I want to comfort her, let her know it’s all right, that I’m here for her.”, that kind of thing.

    Gay. But you should take your own advice about the humanity of women and wonder if you’re just being manipulated by a stereotypical behavior when she moves like Barbie.

    Heed Ulysses Everett McGill: “Woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man. Deceitful, two-faced she-woman. Never trust a female; remember that one simple precept and your time with me will not have been ill spent.”

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  33. But, Jack, “as good as” that one liner was, I favored this one. Has an OL-ish conclusion:

    I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you’re the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer (“Spence”), and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that’s all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

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  37. Chorts, sometimes you do things and wonder why no one’s done it before only to learn why no one’s done it before.

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  39. Will is the modern Oscar Wilde, except Wilde wrote:

    You should never try to understand them. Women are pictures. Men are problems. If you want to know what a woman really means – which, by the way, is always a dangerous thing to do -look at her, don’t listen to her.
    (A Woman of No Importance)

    “MRS ALLONBY Is she such a mystery?
    LORD ILLINGWORTH She is more than a mystery – she is a mood.
    MRS ALLONBY Moods don’t last.
    LORD ILLINGWORTH It is their chief charm.”
    (A Woman of No Importance)

    “Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”
    (Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime and Other Stories)

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  40. I get women.

    Quick, write a book, get on Oprah and cash in. Seriously WillZ. But, let me tell you there is a vast difference between a bachelor who gets women, and being married. I am a mere 8 years into the journey, and trust me my friend when I say that “getting women” and being a good husband have nothing to do with being married. And if you are falling for the lip-biting you’re getting played – I was a bachelor once too.

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  42. What’s to understand? They feeeeeeeel everything and they talk to you about it in the morning and again at night.

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  43. This imagined about Muddy’s wifely interactions in a previous thread:

    “Muddy, take out the trash.”
    “Muddy, get up off the floor.”
    “Muddy, you spilled your whisky again.”
    “Muddy, your shirt’s on fire.”

    I’m sure it gets old.

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  44. Chorts, a man looketh at his wife as a man looks in a mirror and when he walketh away he should forgettest not that he’s a jerk. My self esteem would be better if I was single but, like you say, there’s stuff I should probably know.

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  46. Oscar Wilde was a homo. I’m not interested in what his ilk have to say about women, any more than I’m interested in what a heathen has to say in favour of ‘deliberate denial of the known truth’.

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  47. “Heed Ulysses Everett McGill: “Woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man. Deceitful, two-faced she-woman. Never trust a female; remember that one simple precept and your time with me will not have been ill spent.” ”

    Will wonders never cease; zrim actually posts something worthwhile!

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  49. Tell me, married men who think I’m full of —-; what makes you think your experience of women is more legit than the married men I associate with who actually discuss the sorts of things you all shy away from sharing with single guys, on the basis of either ‘you just wouldn’t understand’ or ‘it’s private’?

    I have some close friends who are married; I’m equally friends with both the husbands and the wives; I can discuss pretty much anything with them. Just last night, I was discussing Caesarean section operations with a buddy of mine and his wife; she was telling me about the complications in her two births.

    I don’t see anything wrong with learning such things.

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  51. In case I wasn’t clear, when I said ‘I get women’, I meant I ‘get’ them, not that I ‘get them’ like a womanizer; though I have dated a bit and have had some girlfriends, so I indeed must be ‘getting’ something about them since I’m not someone with zero experience whatsoever.

    Yes, I’m not married. But I draw upon the knowledge of those who are, and who share about their experiences, and I’m confident that between their portraits of marriage, their experiences with women, plus my own, plus observing my parents throughout my life, I have learned something about women. I ‘get’ them.

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  55. @ DGH: Of course not; I wouldn’t dare ask such questions.

    But I have read stuff, and otherwise learned various things, about more private matters like such.

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  56. “I’m equally friends with both the husbands and the wives; I can discuss pretty much anything with them. Just last night, I was discussing Caesarean section operations with a buddy of mine and his wife; she was telling me about the complications in her two births.”

    This may be my favorite quote of all time.

    When you look in earnest for a wife, may I suggest another hemisphere or Utah.

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  57. So you folks think I ought to go live in the forest, or find a wife outside of normal North American society, because my opinions, in line with those of generations past, are ‘beyond the pale’, doncha know.

    I think that is more an indictment of the shortcomings of modern North American young women, and the fathers who have mis-raised them and mis-taught them, and failed to up-bring them properly, along with their ‘ugogirl!’-cheerleading mothers, than it is of me.

    But I would happily find myself a woman of the good old-fashioned kind, from elsewhere on the planet, as long as Christian, rather than being stuck with a modern-day typical female supremacist good ‘church’ girl, too focused on higher education and career success, and less on settling down and getting married and having children in her most fertile years for childbearing…

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  58. Good Will S., I have Ann Coulter on line 2. She thinks you’re spot on. She draws the line at encouraging soccer if you have children though, or football as you guys call it.

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  59. Will S: …..I think that is more an indictment of the shortcomings of modern North American young women, and the fathers who have mis-raised them and mis-taught them, and failed to up-bring them properly,

    Me: Shocked. It may not be so much that you can’t find a woman who is unsurprising and unchallenging, but why would you want to? It’s one thing to avoid the harlot and the shrew. But to marry a project or Stepford of your creation says more about the ass that you are than about the failure of women, generally.

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  61. Chorts, that’s what my Reedemer pastor told me right before he suggested I go elsewhere. Of course, once I knew the score, I stuck around for awhile to make sure he was sure and to help him where he was inadequately broken. I was big helper back in the day.

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  63. I think Wills imagines this stuff is all more interesting than it actually is. Looking for an analogy but sausage making is not quite right, because sausage is, like, almost always really good.

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  70. WillZ,

    I am afraid this scenario is going down like a young lion who is wandering the savannah only to find he has come upon a pack of hyenas. I’d proceed with caution, if not run, because this bunch will gnaw the hide right off of you.

    BTW – I wasn’t insinuating that you “get women”, as if you were a Reformed Casanova. Clearly you are not, which is not at all meant to be an insult.

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  72. @ sean: the fact you need to resort to a leftist, Hollywood ‘Stepford’ stereotype caricature of what patriarchial marriage looks like says more about you than me. I don’t invoke ‘Ozzie and Harriet’ or other such things the way leftists do when they disparage traditional marriages. Hmmm.

    @ Jed: I didn’t think you were insinuating thus; I just thought I’d better clarify. I always hope I’m fairly clear in expressing myself, and if I fail to be, I try to correct that.

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  73. Ozzie and Harriet? If only. Religious patriarchal marriage, particularly the prot conservative sort, tracks more along the lines of Doug Phillips or even Jeffs. You wish you guys could claim Ozzie and Harriet. Think underage nannies, grooming, and daddy daughter dances. Watch out for those passenger cargo vans.

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  74. BTW, we don’t call soccer ‘football’ up here; we call it ‘soccer’.

    And we traditionally haven’t cared for it any more than you do.

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  76. “Listening” to Will describe male/female relationships,Lip biting and all, has been among some of the funniest things I have read on this blog. Steve Carrell and bags of sand come to mind. I am thinking its the naivety mixed with supreme confidence that has me rolling. Don’t let these guys change you Will. Go forth and master the fairer sex.

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  78. @ AA: Naivety? Not me. Supreme confidence? As long as not arrogance, nothing wrong with that!

    Don’t worry; they won’t change me; I’ll change them.

    Why, just think; already, I’ve got Dr. Hart doing whole posts on sexual matters, and saying the phrase ‘vaginal orgasms’ more than once. 🙂

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  79. A.A. – “Go forth and master the fairer sex.”

    Will S. has already done that; the rest of us rubes that are just muddling along, content with our mysteries and uppity women. Too bad the OL crowd won’t be around to witness the train wreck if Will’s awesome theories have a chance to collide with reality.

    Sean, thanks for invoking Doug Philips. Will S. is in great company.

    DG, that’s an awful lot of the “V” word, more than I can take. Can’t we leave that word to the gynecologists? And isn’t this what euphemisms are for?

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  82. Spinoff possibilities from this thread:

    50 Shades of Old
    Last Tango in Grand Rapids
    J. Gresham Makin’ Whoopee
    Every Square Inchers Gone Wild
    Farel Instinct
    Good Will Not Finding

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  83. John – Everyone could gain by the experience of having to live in a tent in the woods for an extended period of time.

    Erik – How does it compare with having to live in a van by the river?

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  86. Erik,

    Never has a thread that I was not involved with gone this far downhill this fast…

    As long as you were biting your lower lip while typing this, we’re cool. I am just amazed we are at 50+ on a sex-thread (at least as sexy as OL gets), and it hasn’t gone to toilet humor yet. Maybe that’s just b/c we aren’t reviewing a Driscoll sex book/talk yet.

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  87. Mudsworth,

    “a pack of hyenas.”

    Thanks for the shout-out Jed!

    Keep bearing those fangs and laughing while you do it… some of us on the interwebs understand the integral part that hyenas play in this eco-system.

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  89. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

    I also fail to see how I’m mediocre, but think whatever you want of me; it’s not like I care what you think.

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  90. I think the spike in OL sex posts is all a patriarchal plot to keep the wimminz from frequenting the site.

    “I think that is more an indictment of the shortcomings of modern North American young women, and the fathers who have mis-raised them and mis-taught them, and failed to up-bring them properly, along with their ‘ugogirl!’-cheerleading mothers, than it is of me.

    But I would happily find myself a woman of the good old-fashioned kind, from elsewhere on the planet, as long as Christian, rather than being stuck with a modern-day typical female supremacist good ‘church’ girl, too focused on higher education and career success, and less on settling down and getting married and having children in her most fertile years for childbearing…”

    Will, paragraphs like these are why everyone is picking on you. You don’t know about women, or marriage. That’s OK. I’m an old-fashioned girl (happily heels-over-head married, thanks). In so many words you have dismissed and insulted every eligible girl (and their mothers!) you’ve met.

    Presumably most go to church, attend college, and are planning to work when they graduate. All that tells me is they are pious, interested in learning, and practical about money–all good qualities in a wife. (Whether they are female supremacists, obsessed with a career, is debatable). I’m sure they can sense your distaste.

    Why don’t you ask a few female acquaintances to coffee, if only to spend some time with people different from yourself?

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  91. Katy,

    Ever see Gran Torino? OL is a little like the barber shop scene (only slightly less vulgar, except for Darryl); the young’uns need to be educated about practical matters.

    Your advice is excellent, though it assumes our friend desires a woman who has a brain and ambition. And that the young ladies’ fathers would also like to have coffee with him.

    Not to mention that you, a woman, are presuming to offer advice to a man; I don’t think that’ll fly in Patriarchitopia.

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  93. “I also fail to see how I’m mediocre.” For the hundredth time, Will, get married and you’ll see the light.

    And say something to Katy. Not you Erik.

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  94. reading Will’s rants, i’m reminded of this gem from the Simpsons…

    Clerk to Comic Book Guy: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies…

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  95. “elsewhere on the planet”

    Don’t give up on the American (Canadian?) girls! The only reason I posted was to point out your opinions and attitude are what’s keeping you from finding that old-fashioned girl you desire. Would you really never consider a girl with a college degree (which is basically the new high school degree), and take a mail order bride instead?

    I suggest developing more leadership and confidence qualities–make a girl of quality want you to lead her, to take her where you’re going. Start by not getting pissy over what inconsequential people on a blog say (but do consider than men who are older than you and married may know more than you).

    And go on lots and lots of casual, no pressure dates, to understand women a bit more (you don’t even have to kiss any of them). You need to face the fact that while you’re dismissing all these women as “modern-day typical female supremacist,” they might be dismissing YOU as incapable of leading a family, regardless of your ideals.

    If it gives me cred, I only had one year of grad school because our family started rather soon after our wedding. We now have 5–probably headed toward the double digits–and I home school, tutor Latin and write book reviews on the side, and do all that housewifey domestic stuff (albeit poorly).

    Ok, back to lurking.

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  96. Kent, thanks for that. I was trying to figure out how to relay the experience of the one Trek movie I went and saw with my to be wife, where the four guys behind us went all, ‘humana humana’ when a ‘young Uhura’ was portrayed. She chuckled and laughed the rest of the movie listening to the mouth breathers. My wife still reminds me that I took her to see a Star Trek movie and I’ve failed miserably in shaking the association with the engineers/programmers who sat behind us. Never mind that she was the only woman in the theater and she was with me, it’s become the bottomless resource for checking my masculinity.

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  97. Katy is a hoot- even better than Lily. You need to keep the men without a clue (perhaps like me) in line here. Do you make good German beer like Luther’s wife and entertain with tabletalks?- just kidding!!

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  98. “Do you make good German beer like Luther’s wife and entertain with tabletalks?”

    No, alas, just pickles and kraut. I’m sure Katie would’ve lumped me in the hopelessly useless pile, where she put Melanchthon’s wife. The old story goes Katie hired a housekeeper to go take care of Melanchthon, since she felt his wife was not. I’m sure Mrs. Schwartzerdt (Melancthon’s real name ) loved that.

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  100. Katy,

    Great story about the two reformers wives- I knew much more was going on between Luther and Melancthon, and now I know. Do you think Katie consulted Martin before sending the housekeeper over there? And did it cause a rift in the reformers relationship? So fallen were even the great reformers.

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  101. “Do you think Katie consulted Martin before sending the housekeeper over there? And did it cause a rift in the reformers relationship?”

    I think it’s funny, if it’s true. Sort of paints Katie in a different light–perhaps she was a bit overbearing or a busybody, even if she could run an inn and brewery and raise 6 kids. I doubt it had anything to do with Luther and Melancthon’s falling out (and I doubt she asked the good doctor about it, either, since she had low opinions of HIS practical skills).

    Yes, real, flesh and blood sinful people.

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  102. I just saw this with so many posts going on at oldlife. You’re funny, Katy. Lutherans are much easier to deal with than the vinegary reformed. There is lots to miss about the Lutheran church but I just cannot accept some of their theology anymore, ie., baptismal regeneration, universal atonement, their views of election, predestination and their beliefs about faith. I am still a firm believer in their views of sanctification. And the people you find at Lutheran churches are fun and easy to fellowship with. The atmosphere at a Lutheran church is completely different than the atmosphere you find at Reformed churches.

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