Unhuggable Lutherans

Garrison Keillor’s Life Among the Lutherans has arrived. It is already rewarding with merriment. Here are a few stanzas from “Lutheran Song.”

I was raised in Iowa, went to Concordia,
Swedish, I’m proud to say.
Got a job at Lutheran Brotherhood.
And I never was sick one day.
Bought a house in south Minneapolis
Over by Cedar Lake.
If you ask me, this latest merger
Was nothing but a big mistake.
Now I have nothing against Episcopalians;
I believe in an open door.
I’m sure it’s good to get new ideas,
But we never did that before. . . .

Espiscopalians are proud of their faith;
You ought to hear ’em talk.
Who they got? They got Henry VIII
And we got J. S. Bach.
Henry VIII he had six wives
Trying to make one son.
J. S. Bach had twenty-three children,
And wives, he had just one.
Henry VIII would marry a woman
And then her head would drop.
J. S. Bach had all those kids
‘Cause his organ had no stop. . . .

Once in a while we go to shows,
But a Lutheran is not a fan.
We don’t whistle and we don’t laugh;
We smile as loud as we can.
If you come to church, don’t expect to be hugged;
Don’t expect your hand to be shook.
If we need to know who you are,
We can look in the visitors’ book.
I was raised to keep a lid on it,
Guard what you say or do.
A mighty fortress is our God,
So he must be Lutheran too. . . .

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